reconstruction of the world by sensory

It is not easy to stay out of the trouble. Life is full of pressure, nightmares, and disorientation. It could be a bless with blooming flowers, or a curse with thorns and prickles. One night, laughs are blasting with a glass of wine in hand; the next day, desperation puts blade on the neck.

"Who is there?" Ann's mother answered the door.

"I guess I drunk too much last night that I forgot to drop the pain killers to Langdon." I saw smile on her face.

"Thank you. That is so nice of you." She took the pain killers in her hands and was about to close the door. "He is not in the house now. I will give it to him."

"Thank you. Remind him to eat after meal, otherwise it is not good for the stomach." I remembered my terrible experience with taking painkillers before meal.

She hesitated a little bit and stepped out. "Langdon is in hospital now." She said, with no expression on the face.

"Really? For the wisdom tooth? He does not look like someone go to the hospital for a wisdom tooth." I am pretty surprised.

"No. He tried to kill himself." she lowered her voice.

"What? How? ...He seems happy last night." I do not know when to began my questions.

"He cut his neck with a shaving blade this afternoon. He is in the hospital right now. You know he has a lot of pressure." she looked at me, "He had a terrible childhood and that all added up to the pressure."

"Yeah. I have heard a little bit about that. But, how come...? I mean what triggers his suicide?" I did not anticipate much information for her answers since she was about to take the pills and shut the doors.

"You know he lost his job and he was arguing with Ann....." I could not follow what she said. Maybe the reason is not important. "So he is OK right now. I mean, he is out of danger. What did the doctor say?"

" I do not know what did the doctor say. He is in the emergence room now." Ann's mother always has this calm smile on her face, nothing would change it, like she already saw everything in her life.

" Ok. Tell Ann I will go with her when she is going to the hospital." Langdon is not a very close friend of mine. However, when I am struggling for my life and so- believed career, I feel people who are struggling for a better life, is close to me.

" That would be six thirty."

I drove back home, cooked a mixture of eggplant, broccoli and squash for my dinner and watched "Friends". The street is quite. No kids are playing football outside. I really enjoy dinner in the kitchen with the sunset view from the window. "Science is good. It helps people." that is Henry's simple words after he knew my career plan. "Supposably." I could not say much about that because I choose science first because of my personal interest. They all say science and technology are moving the society ahead. I believe that, not less even after I struggled three years at connecticut. To me, science is a career, which you choose to explore the world for the truth. After that, you tell others the truth and that is how science helps people. So the truth I want to tell Henry is life is not a curse for him and he should not give up.

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Is free will illusion? --读后感（新鲜出炉）

There is an interesting essay on May 14 issue of Nature talking about “free will”--Is it just an illusion? And I love this essay. I dare not to interpret it with many of my opinion--mostly because I do not have many of my own. However, I think it would be of fun if I can share what I have read and what I have merely think about free will.

The author showed an enormous desire to defense our bestowed freedom, insisting that we are free to choose of our behaviors. This idea does not sounds so crazy that it needs scientific support for common people to believe.

However, free will is challenged as some scientists argue with recent findings in neuroscience---for instance our brain make decisions seconds before our consciousness realize-- that we, our consciousness do not decide what we do. Free will is merely a illusion, a consolation! Any action must be made depends on preceding causes (to generate the correct response to it).

The challenges of determinism are always repercussive. The first challenge (that I know) took place at a more fundamental level. In quantum physics, Werner Heisenberg uncovered an inherent unpredictability in nature. People, including Albert Einstein, were freaked out. Partially because our consciousnesses can not accept a world with chaos. They need to make plans for the future (according to their memories of the past). They want themselves to be rational, rather than random. However, if the nature of outside world is full of randomness that the past do not decide the future, what our conscious brain is always proud of itself (the rational planing) is based on none.

The author, who by the way is the son of Werner Heisenberg, choose to believe that our action is free from the past. Free will is not an illusion. It happens not only in human, but also in basic forms of lives (though they are not credited with anything like consciousness in human).

Then how come we have a vivid feeling that our brain controls our action based on precedents? Most of the time, we know we decide to do something. Additionally, scientists put a lot of effort to find caustic reasons for various animal behaviors. Paradox exists where we both want a free will and want us to be rational (that we make rational decisions rather than take chances.)

One solution is that our brain does not make clear-cut orders. (He is so rational in the sense that the outside world is full of randomness and he do not have a clear-cut answer of what is the next.) Insufficiently equipped (Limits set up by the genes), insufficiently informed (Uncertainty Nature) and short of time. brain have to find a module that is adaptive to uncertainties.

Human have free will. We are considered to be free in our behavior as long as our behavior module is adaptive, self-initiated. This is consistent with our adventurous nature of our behavior and our curiosity. We could be out of control, doing things that does not seem to benefit in the future (according to the present situation). One mystery was why evolution keeps this aimlessness in our behavior. Why we are endowed in free will so that people would choose to suicide? The random walk our brain takes would be given evolutionary explanations, if Charles Darwin knew Heisenberg’s Uncertainty.

The author said conscious awareness may help improve our behavior, but it does not necessarily do. Our behavior is adaptive (so that consciousness need to make a clear-cut plan for it). Meanwhile, the fact that our action if free from one moment to the next will not change just because we are aware of it.

The last question is what consciousness do for us. Is it just generating all kinds of feelings that it controls everything, make rational decisions for us? It is a speaking hitchhiker or it is a central commender? Jinfei

If you think about human brain, it is a huge network contains billions of neurons, making connections with each other. Information flows through these trillions of knots called synapse. It controls basic reflections, sensations, drives evolutionarily conserved behaviors that are essential for viability of the organism. It makes sense to extrapolate that the more complex the organisms are, the more complex the neuronal network should be. However, there seems to be a huge jump between human to other primate, and from primates to other mammals. The complex is not simply a matter of numbers of neurons, or knots. Compared to brains of lower organisms like worms or flies, the design of human brain is more like a master piece of abstract art that is not tangible by rationality. It is a mystery to appreciate scientifically.

One of the specific design of human brain (or primates) is that each brain is designed to communicate with other brains (most efficiently with the brains of the same species). It means we are not only able to sense the outside world (by sensations, which by the way, we are not the best one for most parts), we are privileged with the ability to enter the minds of others, by intuition and by speech. (sympathy and language). I am not going to talk about language this time. (Actually, both of the two topics would take tons of words, let alone I am too much a layman to both of the two topics to explain in detail.)

Intuition or sympathy means we are able to understand other people's feelings without experiencing them. With intuition or sympathy, we can understand other people's emotions. In our brain, there are a group of neurons called mirror neurons (or mirror system). They fires (or get activated) at both times when we perform some action and when we see someone perform the same action. It reflects the actions performing by others as that we are doing the same action, hence generates an emotional sympathy.

The mirror system is one of the beautiful models of how our brain works. As most of the known working models of our brain, it sounds simple and shallow, yet think-provoking. Rather than give a clear explanation, it embarrasses us with the fact that we have no idea of how these effortless emotional sympathy works daily.

Sometimes, reading good articles about brain function does not feel like reading a scientific papers. It bridges science and philosophy. In science, I am curious about the mechanism of how a brain works. In philosophy, I am more eager than ever to know the truth of self, the truth of me.

Still in the middle of reading about mirror system. Recommendations are welcome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rl2LwnaUA-k Great lecture.

Because I am leaving the current field of molecular biology of alternative splicing, I am not really conduct much bench work recently. Instead, I am acting like a greedy reader, browsing websites, literatures, books and sometime even youtubes, reading or listening articles and lectures talking about neuroscience, cognitive science, and behavior. These topics have magic powers that whenever a conversation comes across those topics, I can not shut my month and keep silent.

Here comes the problem, I regularly have an afternoon coffee break time with my friend in the lab, a indian postdoc who has great mania to small RNA biology and molecular biology. The major topic we have during coffee break is about science. I found myself in a biased situation that every time he talks about small RNA biology, I just could not feel the magic power. I feel I hear too many cliches, claiming regulatory roles of certain molecules in globally every system of biology.

Whenever I think about the questions like how we appreciate our abilities to see the colors, sense the smell of rose, or even as abstract as recognizing a friend from seeing the back of the shoulders, I feel talking about small RNAs or protein degradation does not generate answers to these questions. I am very aware of the possibilities that small RNAs or protein degradations play important roles in these processes, hence investigating these topics would help finding answers to interesting questions I mentioned. However, I feel science would be boring if one was stuck or satisfied with playing games of protein degradation or small RNAs.

Meanwhile, I am wondering if myself is stuck by the magic of these big questions that I neglect "small" molecules executing various biochemical reactions in our body. Or I am just so greedy in chasing these questions that I "wish" all small molecular biology stuff should have a meaning related to these questions.

In retrospect, I used to argue with college classmates of how RNA interference pathway works in C. elegans, how chiral molecules generate polarized lights, the purification of an endogenous executor of cell apoptosis. In biology, I used to have a very broad interest in almost every aspect of model molecular biology. With those passions, I almost finished the giant bible of "principle of biochemistry" and "alberts MCOB". However, I find myself mostly biased towards neuroscience. I can not taste the beauty of a lot of molecular biology, while I develop my own taste of neuroscience, as detail as into how drosophila development neuronal circuits to sense achromatic vision and color.

One thing I have learned is that science is a paradox of revealing natural common truth and expressing personalized opinion. In that way, you are in a dilemma of pursuing applause and anticipating debates. The beauty is using all your discoveries to build a theory, a theory that can be used to explain, a theory can never be proved to be right, but can be (but not easily) proved to be wrong.

So, for myself, never feel too sad to be biased if you are developing your own taste. All try to broadcasting your own theories and asking for debates.

I had a crazy soccer game on Saturday, during which I scored a bunch of goals with only shorts in cold weather. One of the immediate response of my body is that it gave me a fever. I was stuck in bed for the whole Sunday and nothing is tasteful at all. However, I do have interesting experience of dreams, a lot of dreams. One of the most meaningful dream I have ever had yesterday night is that I am actually thinking about dreams.

One of the fundamental things about the world is that there is clearly only one "self" to everyone. No matter how suspicious you are, you are clearly realize that in your daily life, there is only one "I" . However, dream might be one of the only places ( I can not think of another though) where you can vividly watch yourself performing in the scene. The concept of I splits. I think I am not the only person that in my dream, I saw another me.

The more one reads about how brain works, the more one realizes how shallow we know about our brain. It sounds like a philosophical paradox that we believe our brain has the unlimited potential to understand how itself works, unlimitedly.

The first big question is still the map, a connection map of the brain. It does not only have anatomical meaning. It should be a functional map of how information flows through the nervous system. There should be principles of how the wiring develops and changes.

The second big question is the principle of computation. Does the computation of all nervous system has a simple principle as beautiful as "central dogma" so that the difference of our brain and the brain of a fly only a difference of connection organization. Or there is different modules of computations happens in different brains. It is more like a belief rather than models. I believe neuronal computation has a central dogma even if I do not know anything about it. I believe having the map is very urgent.

说来这三本书也不是随便买的，其中一本是很老套，很葵花宝典，但是我从来没有看过的书。 Charles Darwin 的 “The origin of Species". Nothing in Biology Makes Sense Except in the Light of Evolution. Theodosius Dobzhansky 的这句话真的很经典，尤其是在这个以制造paper为目的的时代，物种起源应该是一本不错的，很急需的典籍吧，希望我能看得懂。

还有一本书和去年的”in pursue of genetics ..."有着一样的生世。也是实验室的印度朋友和我说起这本书，然后说他可以借给我看。接下来就是同样的每个礼拜三天的催促，最后还是没有能等来这本书。amazon上看看也不贵，就买下来了。 书名叫“ phanotoms in the brain" 。一听名字说的就是离奇的人脑袋在不正常的工作的时候给人带来什么样的幻觉的故事。

最后一本叫”mapping the mind". 人脑应该是世界上最复杂的迷宫，我不奢望我能了解它的全部。希望这本书能给我带来一些浅薄的认识。

Graduate study本来是只有时间看paper没有时间看书的岁月。所以忙里抽闲看这些书，不是为了消磨时间，而是为了消除无知带来的恐惧。

1. 2008 adds a special source of power for Henry to pursue a meaningful life. Love from soul mate means encouragement, instruction, family, friendship and many other things that shed light on my way. Simply, thank you for everything.

2. The big plan for 2008 is to finding a better niche for me to develop myself into a scientist. It is a crazy decision to apply for another graduate program in the same field of "Biology", especially the decision was made after passing the prelim exam. I had great time with colleagues in the lab, with PIs, classmates. I make friendships with people of whom I see the friendships as a life-long ones. It is the Research I am not crazy about. I wish myself good luck with this ongoing plan. I give my regards to professors writing me letters and they are Dr. Antic Srdjan, Dr. Brenton. Graveley, and Dr. James Li.

3. My first formal proposal is finished on August 08, 2008 with a lovely oral defense that I would like to do it once again. To be honest, I enjoyed the oral part more than the writing part because in our department we write what our projects are.

4. Group 4 shrank to Group 3 with Yijian's leaving to Actuary Science in Uconn main campus On January 2008 and further shrank to Group 2. Yifan left to another nearby apartment. I have great time in the kitchen now since Feng is more submissive near the oven.

5. 2008 Trips: First time flying across the continent. Although I did not post any picture here of my California trip on June, I had great time. Labor day Boston, Christmas Ann arbor, November Baltimore, February New York, with different people and different mood. I feel I am not more interested in seeing the sights than imagining the way of life if I am living in these places. Every time I am in the middle of a city, I have the strong desire to interact with people walking around. Most of the time I do not have the chance, yet I had the experience of talking and helping a homeless people in San Diego. It is the first time I realize that I can cheer a person up without any intimacy.

6. Chinese Journal club: let's give applaud to all the people involved. At the very beginning, I was not sure whether people attend the journal club because of delicious food in Haonan's house. Soon after, I realized it is definitely not because of the food, especially after two round of awesome pizza. We might not perform as good research as students and postdocs in top institutes, but we are as passionate as them if not better. Thank you and good job. We will definitely continue in 2009.

7. Lost of family member. My grandfather had tremendous impact on my personality. He spent a lot of time with me before and even during my kindergarten. He made me realize the beauty of nature and seeded in my mind the desire to explore it. He did not receive the education to understand mysteries yet he never stopped trying. He had no heroic feats yet he was a legend to me. I can not stop missing him, yet I feel peaceful that I inherited his blood and his spirit.

8. Congratulations to my dear friends. I was happy to witness dream realization of some close friends in 2008. Fanying, Yifan, Bioman all got nice offers. Weddings, birth, job promotions. Our lives are changing dramatically.

9. Sports. It was the first of since I came to America that I could regularly play soccer in small teams every weekend. I like running on the ground with a football. Arsenal has long way to go if they want to win champions. I have faith in young gunners' potential, not faith in winning cups with a bunch of teenagers. Thierry Henry had miserable time at Barcelona but he is recovering recently. Good luck to all.

10. Best book, Best Movie and Best TV series of 2008:

"In pursuit of the gene: from Darwin to DNA" is the best book I have read in 2008. It was also reviewed on Nature. I was trying to write a review of the book on my space before I saw the nice review on Nature by Jerry A. Coyne (http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v453/n7199/full/4531181a.html).

"In pursuit of Happiness" is the best movie. The greatest happiness is not from how many things you already have but from finally get what you want after you never give up in tough times.

"Criminal minds" is the best TV series. Behavior Analysis tells you secrets of human mind.